Every now and again I am 

struck by the weight of my history and I can

 recall it all at once. I see

my whole life and I can't believe

that this cruel life was mine.

Before I can stop it,

events line up in my mind.

I'm suddenly aware of all of it.

I'm living them all at once, it hits.

The anguish, The pain,

things I never want to feel again.

The rest of the time

I almost forget that this life is mine.

When it hits it's not one thing or the other.

It’s everything; the ways I hurt my mother.

I think about how I was abused,

I remember what it's like to feel truly used.

But that's not all - I feel everything.

I remember why I no longer sing.

I recall being outed in front of everyone.

I'm reminded I can't carry daughter or son.

I can't forget my shame,

The things I'd never do again.

I see the faces of those that hurt me,

I become their victim again, I don't want to be. 

In these moments again I feel 

everything - I feel their crimes again as real.

It's not like it doesn't affect me the rest of the time 

but sometimes I forget and I think I'm fine.

Then again it happens and I feel it all.

The ground opens up and I begin to fall,

falling all the way back down through time.

Passing horrors I hate to remember are mine.